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The i... in Depression


''I am not where I want to be, but thank god I am not where I used to be...'' Joyce Meyer


I don't suffer from Depression or Mental health. I am DePRESSiON.. between Press On, 'i'  am in the middle... I do not plan to be alone anymore. In my journey, in my mind, in my spirit. I have gained friends, i have acquired new knowledge. More experiences. I have this Blog. I am not alone, i am surrounded.


Throughout all my creative writing and blog posts i write 'i', as a lower case instead of an upper case letter. I capitalise 'i' at the start of a sentence, as page etiquette more than anything. I choose to use it in lower case because of how lonely and innocent it looks on page as apposed to 'I' that looks strong, powerful and dominant alone there, that blends in between the words that form a well written sentence. The i, symbolises me not being there just yet, but i am on my way PRESSing ON to the Other side. i, symbolises the youth that i so desperately try to cling onto. We don't learn to use 'i' as a capital until we get into big school. That's when the spelling and grammar police they call teachers, wont read your page until you rectify, well and truly before they are even willing to read what it is you have written. I like to write creatively, without fear of rejection and misunderstanding, i like to speak confidently but quietly without fear of my intent being taken wrongly. I like people to understand my intent within my writing and when i am speaking. I like to come across soft and understanding. Just like 'i' does. It seems more personable and approachable, how i would like to be perceived although at the moment i am not. I am still growing, i am still learning, i am still travelling, i am still understanding. When i am there, standing tall, standing grown, and very sure. I will then capitalise my 'i' the middle of my sentences. It is then that i will stare depression straight in the face and it will answer to me. Not i to it.



So as i get closer to that moment on my alone journey, un-capitalised for my 27th birthday. I am ready to answer the question, why i chose to travel alone? The answer to that is, one of my biggest fears, is the fear of feeling embarrassed. Being alone can often cause the most embarrassment. I wanted to place myself in my most vulnerable position, and see if its a hurdle that i can overcome. Stretch myself to the maximum, place myself in the most testing of positions. I want to learn the greatest version of me. I want to know..  who i am?


I came to the last half of my Greek Island hopping trip. I had moved off from Ios, which I had a the most beautiful time. And moved onto Paros Island. Paros is a little gem, the narrow roads, and white stone matched with bright hues of red orange and blue window frames. I rented another quad bike to take me around the island. I drove my Quad bike at 1am from one end of the island to another after meeting new friends for a hardly lobster filled dinner. No street lights, bumpy roads, no car headlights to assist me, no road markings. No map, no clue how to get back. It felt like i was in Jeepers Creepers the movie, the scariest experience of my life. I laughed through it, but inside all i could think was, I'm driving to my death. I also managed to visit almost every beach the island had to offer. So I got to experience sun rise to sun set from every angle of Paros. Quad biking is a nice and easy way to get around, its calming and inexpensive. Paros is a very small island. But i had a very relaxing time where i got to think a lot about myself, and why i decided to make these travels alone.


The last Island was Mykonos, I felt quite unwell when i got there. I was feeling really dehydrated because i didn't drink enough compare to what i drink at home. So i thought id settle for a really chilled last few days. I stayed in a glamping style camping site called Paradise. Which soon turned into what i would call Little Ibiza. 3 bars right next to each other, with a beautiful view of the beach, banging music from 4pm. Two of the bars had dancers half naked dancing on podiums trying the get the crowd engaged. It was amazing, i enjoyed watching the enjoyment of others in their newly formed friendship groups and some with their friends that they came with, taking group selfies and getting the rounds in. I quickly started missing my dearest friends at home knowing how much we would enjoy where i was as a group! (i love them, they know who they are! comment below b*tches) My next door camper also blasted their music until late night, and started again early morning. That was a nightmare. Anyway as i wandered through the strip of bars, restaurants and shops, i got to the last bar where i met the most gorgeous little button nose Greek philosopher. Just as i looked up into his direction he called me over. I couldn't help but be drawn to his bright white knashers, which were actually insanely white from a distance. I lost my balance as i stepped down the stairs towards him, and sort of shuffled myself back to to mask the embarrassment. But he picked up on that because he mentioned it later. We spoke for a while. He told me I am beautiful. (After telling me my hair looked shit!!) And for once in life I believed it! I didn't question it, I trusted that someone, well he, someone who didn't know me.. thought I was beautiful. Come to think of it, i don't even think he used the word beautiful but it was something along those lines. When you hear it from your friends and family it doesn't have the same effect. From a complete stranger who knows nothing about you, where you came from, no prerequisites to the conversation, its endearing. Have you ever met a person that you may not see or communicate with again, but know you will remember them forever? Because of the short impact they made on you. (read my blog post entitled who is your favourite superhero, because everyone can inspire someone) Anyway, after speaking to him for some hours his presence gave me a chance to challenge my thoughts and challenge myself mentally, without him realising, i really found myself asking myself questions  and second guessing the things i was saying which hadn't happened to me before. I normally overthink a conversation i have, and try and reflect on myself in relation to other people and other peoples experiences and thoughts, later.  I started to challenge my own behaviours and past thoughts and experiences. He expressed to me how uninspired he was a few months back and that he hit a a brick wall in his life, and how he is getting his groove back and that that he has a lot of things to work on. Its nice to meet people who are trying to acquire similar knowledge about life as yourself. I began to see a reflection of me in his story. (And in his sarcasm) Where I became restless, but my passions drove me forward, and drove me to where I was that day, on holiday! Just i ..


I am closer to understanding who i want to be. I am closer to where i want to be. I am on my way to be an inspiration to many. I want to inspire others, inspire the youth, inspire my family and friends, inspire those who have never met me. Without 'I'... Inspiration cannot be, as there are three. I hope that one day that capital 'I' will be me!


Let me know in the comments below, who you are, and who you want to be? Whether its a fairy... or a flower.. or president of Kazakhstan. Let your imagination run wild. Be free to be who ever you want to be ..




























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November 2, 2018

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