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What depression feels like...

September 25, 2017

 

I can only tell you what depression feels like to me

from day to day and person to person it varies

Everyone lives different lives and we deal with things differently.

but i will try to explain how it feels to me exactly

 

Depression to me feels like drowning, Constantly.

Not being able to make it to surface, but seeing everyone around you afloat. No matter how much you try to swim to stay in control

the pressure of the current in your mind keeps you buried inside

 

My suffering felt endless.

No matter how great the day went,

how wonderful the week went.

How many friends i made and how many times i laughed.

 

There was no moment of happiness, even if it seemed. 

It resembled the sunken place. One, i couldn't GET OUT of

Constantly sinking into the dark serried hole alone.

No Hand or light or hope to cling on to.

No direction. No indication of when this will end.

Deciding at the end of everyday i will end it myself.

 

Waking up everyday and wishing myself dead. 

Because i cant take another second of sinking

i cant keep drowning.

I cant even imagine opening my eyes to see nothing

Being tired of being tired, because my mind is constantly working.

But my body seems to be doing nothing

Muscles aching from floating while i depress deeper

 

not understanding why i am here in the first place. 

No words i cant give you to explain how i got here.

 

 

Depression mimics suffocating in open air. 

 

imagine wrapping your own hands around your own throat

and squeezing tighter

but its not your hands

they are restless beside you

its everything else that surrounds you

 

its screaming at the top of your lungs

and nobody can hear you

because you didn't make a sound

because your in packed room.

 

Do you know what it feels like?

To harbour your hurt inside

feeling the same pain every time you open your eyes

Even when i smiled it was only to mask the heaviness i felt inside. 

To mask the many tears i cried.

 

-Jackie-

 

My Scull with Flower crown, A reflection that not matter how much we accessorise, no matter how much we change and alter our image, no matter how black or how white. Underneath we are all the same. Vanity has played a big part in my life. Understanding good looks is only skin deep has been a lesson.

 

 

So, although i believe i have overcome the battle with depression, my battle is only half way through, i hold battle scars not only to remind me of what i have been through but to remind me to keep going. To keep pressing on. It serves me with a daily reminder of the past the present and the future. My scars are in the form of tattoos

 

 

 

Whiling Dervish i was first introduced to by Rumi. My favourite poet. And the reason for me continuing to write. Sufism is the teaching Lead by Rumi, coming from the Greek word Sophos meaning Wisdom. Whirling Dervish practice of attempting to achieve divine knowledge and love, by whirling in wool, Continuously. When the movement is finally finished, they start again. Releasing their souls, releasing ego, sin, and all things negative. To be able to finish the journey but no one can be perfect so the ritual starts again.

 

 

Everybody has depressing moments, moments of sadness, moments of weakness. When you just think, 'forget this, i'm out' or ' i cant take this anymore'

that is normal, not every situation in life presents itself positively.

I Think the fine line between those who suffer from depression and those that don't. Is the feeling of depression is a constant feeling, that doesn't pass in moments of happiness, moments of joy. Happiness does not exist.

My Medusa, Medusa a beautiful woman who was made ugly in greek mythology. My Medusa has a beautiful African face. Just because you are called ugly, it doesn't mean you are!

 

 

These three things i am taking with me on my journey.

 

1. Spread more positive messages

2. Encourage others to speak out

3. Listen out to what people don't say, you may hear them louder.

 

 

 

The Crucifixion. To me symbolises a journey, taken to help people, to save people.  To bring forgiveness. On the greatest scale.

 

 

The first thing i was equipped with to overcome sadness was a SMART plan. (Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time based) Put into stages of importance. That i could easily follow. Now i ask you, Is there anything you are battling with or have battled with.. that you would either like to overcome or have already overcome. What steps can you/have you taken to ensure you win that battle? However large or small.

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November 2, 2018

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