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Depressed in love...

 

This quote, describes me perfectly in love, in friendship, in relationships this is me. I am an Ambivert, i possess both introvert and extrovert qualities. I am outgoing, and love making new friends, meeting new people, going outside, but i cant stand sharing my time with others, i hate being outside for too long, i prefer to stay in my room. I am constantly filled with anxiety when faced with group settings, but i normally bring the life to the party. Its a constant battle for me, between my introvertedness and my extroverted ways. Mixed with spells of a depressive state, relationships and friendships have always been hard for me to maintain. I can only give you all of me, or nothing all the same.

 

I didn't know how to express my love, and my appreciation for people in the more conventional ways. I was never a say 'i love you', and PDA type of person, that's just how i grew up, but i have learnt while growing up, how to open up! I now show my love and appreciation in more underhand ways.  I don't know how to have a happy middle medium of the amount of love i have to share with others, its either all of it or it is none at all. I am the most standoffish of people, or i suffocate you with affection until you cant breathe. But i hold these qualities in silence, you can only feel them against you if i give you the time to. My greatest regret, is that i sometimes puncture my ability to receive love. I regret how much of myself i have shared, how much of my time i have given. If i give my time, to me it is equivalent of me giving you my world. I do things with all of my heart or not at all. I am at one end of the spectrum or on the complete opposite side. I regret some moments that i wish my introverted self prevailed, and kept that time to myself.

 

 

 

I was in a long term first relationship, with whom i thought at the time was the one, i was completely enamoured with him at first, absolutely depressed in love. We spent almost every day with each other, we worked together, we ate dinner together, we watched football together, i watched him play football, we shopped together, we looked at trainers together. And although we had some great times, it quickly became clouded by what would seem at the time to be bad times, but looking back probably just run out of time. One day i went home with his sister, and he was with a girl in his room, but he didn't know i was in his house. Within my character, i let it happen, i said not a word, and left to go home. I forgave but never forgot. That was me giving my nothing, as my all would not come out. I own up, to giving up before it was too late, which ultimately played its part to the eruption that it became. So that we could no longer call each other friends. He was my best friend, and my best friend through my lowest. But i guess we fell short of the love along the way.

 

As i came to a point of dusting myself up from falling in depression, i came into a new friendship, a strong friendship, so it seemed. A platonic friendship, someone who could understand me more, a person i engaged in hours of conversation with. Spent whole days and evenings with. He was clever, and really interesting, intriguing, kind, extremely funny, and  great company. But there was always this awkward barrier that rested in between us.

 

 

I mistakenly started to confuse the platonic love for something else. So i gave more of my time than originally anticipated to see how it would pan out. Which was not reciprocated, but i continued to invest emotionally what i couldn't afford to. Because i starved my previous relationship of exactly that, Time! At the time, he was seeing a girl that he sort of didn't want to me know the extent of their relationship, not that i needed to know, and i never asked. But he often would say, 'why don't you get this' or 'do that'. Which i had already known 'this' or 'that' was what she done or had. And i never understood, but Id say we were great friends, when the friendship was great, but those fleeting moments where the awkwardness that was left unspoken took presidence, became difficult to bare. Our friendship took a backseat to him on too many occasions. I realised the time and energy i shared wasn't going to be appreciated to the extent that i would have appreciated. So i just let that evaporate away. And although i knew he loved me platonic-ally, i often felt like we were missing each others intentions, and kind of left things unsaid. When we where friends, i presented to him, me as a wildfire, when our friendship became lost, i said nothing and and didn't show even a flame. But i know now, that he would say i was to blame.

 

 

I engaged in one not as serious relationship, but i hoped it could be.  But every mistake i made from my first relationship i thought id put in more, to rectify the past. I put in all my time completely. But i sincerely regret having that frame of mind, as it wasn't the same person. But i carried over every insecurity, every part of the old me, into something new. When really i should have treated it like something new. But i quickly learnt that although he was funny, caring, again good company, and an introvert and silly just like me, he was never going to place me as a priority, and with that he would disrespect me. I don't regret him, but i regret how much of my soul i bared so quickly. I regret that day he embarrassed me which led to him seeing me at my weakest, a form nobody has ever seen. If i could go back i don't know what i would have changed about that day. He spent the evening with another girl, when i took him out, and had to see all my closest friends watch him do that. I didn't cry, but out of my character i asked him to stop. To make up for the time when i didn't knock, on that bedroom door. When i didn't give my all, and decided to give nothing. This time, i thought my all was necessary, while the girl laughed in my face, and his face showed no remorse, i realised i shouldn't have shown a wildfire as it burnt me more. Out of all embarrassment i have had to endure in life, that day was by far my worst.

 

 

I am sceptical about other peoples intentions with me constantly, I am at a point where i am trying to understand how much to give, and how much is too much. But from all the time i have given, i feel like i shouldn't share none, with anyone. But that would also hinder my chances on real love, and i may never find the one.

 

What is your experiences of first loves, platonic loves, or time spent on relationships, or just relationships in general.. maybe you are in a wonderful relationship.. share your story below! <3 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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November 2, 2018

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