Imagine being paralysed in sadness.
Trying to find a 100 reasons to be happy, instead finding 100 more reasons to be sad. So trying to cling onto the one thing that could bring me sanctuary, instead even that pulls me back. Imagine feeling like you have fallen 100 steps back, deeper into depression. But in reality you have progressed 200 steps forward, but still feeling hopeless, worthless, and alone. Imagine being more accomplished than you was before, but you physically cannot bask in that.
Imagine being kissed, and every time your lips touch another, it brings more hate and doubt within yourself. For that moment and every moment after. Questioning everything about that kiss, and what negativity it brings. Although companionship should bring moments of content, for me it pushes me closer to the edge of where i don't want to be. And i wonder, what is wrong with me?
Sadness didn't creep up beside me, allowing me to see it coming slowly along the way. It harshly indented itself within me. I didn't have a chance to veer it away slightly. It didn't knock on my door, i wouldn't have let it in. But instead it invited itself to the party to play a game i knew i would never win. I have been consciously running, and jumping to be away from depression. But it seems it doesn't want to steer its ugly head the other way.. away from me. It wants to enjoy this life with me, forcing me to hate this life with it by my side, every second of every day. I am not able to enjoy thoroughly the achievements and progressions i have made this year. In the past few weeks i cannot enjoy my days. I cannot bathe in celebration with everything i have achieved. I attend events centred around positivity, and awareness, and i smile outwardly, while i pain inwardly.
I have wandered aimlessly around London more in the last few weeks than i have in my entire life of living here, because i realised when i was away that home is where my heart is. And trying to escape it for a short period of time doesn't leave the sadness behind. It follows you where ever you go. I have been invited to speak at events, i have acquired new knowledge and new friends.
But this rain of sadness that keeps pouring on me, doesn't seem to take a break to allow the sun to shine through. No hope for a rainbow, at this present moment i cannot move. I struggle to get up every morning. Not to wake up, because i am awake... but to move. I am suppressed by eternal sadness. To open my mouth and speak to people is a chore within itself. I contemplate deleting peoples numbers in hopes they will never contact or call me again. I have to stop myself from doing so because then they will come up as +44, which is even more frustrating, as ill be left wondering who it was, after i reject the call. People expect me to contact them, but make no effort to contact me, but that's the last thing on my mind honestly.
Cancelled plans, people not ringing me back when they said they would, people deciding they don't want to speak to me anymore or make an effort to be in my life, conversations that have ended prematurely with a 'lol' or a 'k' are what i look forward to most nowadays.
I am trying to face the storm head on, by exploring, by getting up and going, by trying to engage in meaningful conversations everyday. But today i feel defeated. This is my first blog post in 2 months, so i guess i have progressed ever so slightly. But i have no solution this time, no answer to fall back on to. Trying to sift through the tools i learnt in therapy. But there is no tool for not being sad. Sadness is apart of me. Maybe i should except that's my reality.
Its okay to not be okay sometimes, and the thought of that makes me smile. As long as you are able to pick yourself up and try to actively push through the days. I like to dream during the day and sleep at night, to carry me through my days!
Exploring London, brings a fist full of dreams, and an eye full of inspiration to help my creativity flow... On my travels..