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Depressed in Happiness

January 5, 2018

 

Moments of depression feel like a lifetime of hopelessness,

and a lifetime of hopelessness, sometimes only lasts a second

amongst the moments of happiness.. when you remember that depression is round the corner. Waiting to creep up on you like the rare moment you spot an iridescent cloud.

My year felt more like a permanent rainbow, not the brightest of sunshine, but neither torrential rain. Beauty amongst imperfection. Filled with picture perfect moments and smiles. I didn't find myself wrapped in the storm that I am used to. I wasn't bathing in sunshine. I was dancing in sprinkling rain just as the sun set, watching the moonlight form just underneath it.

This year seemed to last an eternity until it came to the end, and i realised it passed by me. The first year I left depression behind me, i could breathe, i could see, i could feel freedom wrap its arms around me, and whisper its going to be okay, but watch out for the darkness to form at night and sometimes during the day. And convince you it's here to stay. Watch out for those moments, they will cast their shadows in the blink of your eyes. Open them, you'll see the rainbow along your way.

 

And i did just that, i kept my eyes wide open. Although i ran into times of sadness. Times of frustration that seeped through every one of my veins, keeping me depressed in a mind numbing powerless state. Forcing to me to close my eyes over and over again.

I brought the new year in from 2016, in Manchester. The countdown was insane. Thats the kind of countdown id do again. I got to visit the old Trafford quickly, before coming back home ready to brave my 2017. And it ended, on a bike in central London, half dressed, freezing. With one of my most beautiful friends. Laughing uncontrollably, a perfect end to a wonderful beginning, my eyes wide open in the rain.

 

My year was not short of concerts, every one just as hype as the other. From Giggs, to Stormzy, Drake twice, J-Hus, Lotto Boyzz, Sinead Harnett, I attended two festivals, celebrated birthdays of my good friends. Travelled alone for my birthday to greece, hopped 3 different islands and the mainland. Faced my fear of falling from heights, and jumped from a plane at 14,000 feet, hitting 120 miles per hour speeds. Met some incredible people on my travels in greece. Some that inspired me tremendously. Celebrated my birthday over 4 different events throughout june. Drank religiously, and partied ungracefully. Went to Croatia shortly after and partied some more. Then back to greece after that for a short stay to relax from a busy few months of starting my own business. Working hard to get my feet off the ground. I was one of 50 females in the UK chosen to get on a UEFA B football coaching course. Made new friends for life, and reconnected with old ones. I spoke at the Black police association annual event about my struggles with depression and my positive sporting works within my communities, in front of many people including The Commissioner of Police of the Metropolis. I read my work out loud at an empowering females event for the first time. I got a promotion at work. My own business started booming. I started this blog which has been my guiding light, my outlet. And most importantly a way to connect with those that feel the same way. I have smiled most of the year through.

 

But with good comes trials and tribulations. I lost friends who i thought would see me through, my first Love got married and I lost him for good. I found myself crying in Mykonos, on a beautiful island I started second guessing if i am beautiful enough, if i am wonderful enough. I started wondering when will i ever be enough. I received some bad feedback from my blog.  I had a car accident! I woke up one day in the winter but my soul couldn't get up, i tried to reach for my body, but i felt it break away.  I have been rejected and subject to racial taunts. I have been used, and almost fallen for a man that didn't want me, that's been a harsh reality. I became distracted by my on goings in life, i didn't blog, i couldn't write, i allowed my mind to become clogged up inside. I made enemies that became more apparent as i tried to climb this ladder called life. But as i took each blow, i noticed i became stronger, more resilient, ready for the next knock, next hit. I was much sharper, much faster. I'm ready to brave the the next year, the next hurdle, the next shot, the next fight.

 

 

A long summary of my 2017 memories...

 

 

 ...New Years Eve in Manchester

 ... Catch up with my dearest secondary school friends. Paul and Babz. (March)

 Saucy Stephs birthday ( February)

 Annual Shoreditch outing because we can ( January)

 Quality time with my God daughter ( April)

 Culture vulture (May) Saatchi Gallery - Selfie exhibition

 90s themed pyjama Party (March)

 

 My actual Birthday day on the Island of Ios, New friends totally drunk! She wanted cheap shots! THEY GAVE US SHOTS FOR FREE! (June) 

 90s Themed Jersey Party (May) Normal toilet pictures

 

 Birthday part 3 Afro Beat Karaoke day party. The magic roundabout (June)

 

 Random night in Romford, cant remember when. 

 

 An absolute drunk night in. Mixing spirits. Dancing laughing. Usual. (August)

 Banter Bash comedy show headline Act Mo the Comedian. Oliviyah (July)

 

 My Right hand will always be right beside me.  (September)

 EFES restaurant, Brick Lane, Dinner before a flopped night out! Lol (September)

 Ants Birthday, Leyton, to the most ghetto rave i have ever stepped foot in, and left within 3 minutes.  (September)

 My first cinema trip of the year. And the Cinema was playing trap music. :l  .. (September)

 Selinas Birthday ( August)

My Hijabi babis. Some vegan cafe in Brick lane. My face says how bad the breakfast was! 

 

 Stormzy Concert with Nadine, Abi and Charlotte, had  GREAT NIGHT! (MAY)

 

This is  A SUMMARY OF US! On my Right! Hella trill! Croatia Fresh Island Festival (July)

 

J-Hus concert with the goons (November)

 

 

Spend the day and evening all over central London then met my good Pals, Babs and Sunny. Old but gold friends. (October)

 

My beautiful Model friend who features on the cover of Asiana magazine. Gave me a moment in her model schedule. A trip up London! Amandeep you beauty! (October)

 

 My oldest and dearest and most beautiful friends, catch up at the local Halal restaurant. Always dragging me to these nasty places. Then they go eat 5 star with there other friends. kmt!  Rosie and Ayeesha my Loves.

 More double denim party fun with theses ones T and Tanya for my 4th Birthday celebration (June)

 Getting ready to meet new friends on the island of Paros, Greece. (June)

 Met this lovely Australian girl on the Ios island in Greece, who was so gorgeous, and she called me beautiful. This was my birthday day! <3 (June)

 Taine birthday celebration, Shoreditch, getting blue cup crunked up! (October)

 Double Denim 90s Party for another birthday celebration with my bros (June)

 This gorgeous girl in Mykonos, made my first night alone a blast! (August)

 Abigail's birthday at Revolutions, Americas sq. (October)

 Top Golf night out with my goonies (February)

 The Art of Brick Superhero exhibition (May)

 Random Shoreditch night out as per usual (January)

 Kerries Birthday at Hip Hop Brunch day party (November)

 SkyDive Athens (June) A gift from me to me! At 14,000 feet up! 

 Magical Lantern Festival (December)

UEFA B promotional day. 1 in 50 females chosen in the UK with Befair x Women in Sport

 The 1st of my Birthday celebrations Stratford East, my sister and brothers (June)

 90s Party Photo Booth (June)

 Mykonos in the summer, got the cleaner to take this photo lol cos i was alone! (August)

 Magical Lantern festival with my sisters (December)

 

 Kerrie's birthday party in Tropicana beach club (Novemeber)

 

 

 Eden Art gallery, Culture vulturing! (October)

 

 

Flip out Trampoline Park East ham.  Its always active quality time with my day 1 (September)

 

Watching the sunset in Mykonos next to the windmills, the calm for me was the highlight. ( August)

 My Greek philosophical friend. I met at Tropicana mykonos. (August)

 

 Dancing in the rain. Garage Nation festival ( July)

 

 

Paski Most, on the way to the airport in Croatia , the most mesmerizing view. (July)

 

Croatia on the beach, tired from the festival. (July)

Garage  Nation festival with this Beauty Abigail (July) 

 

 

 Akropolis, Athens. After taking over 30 minutes to climb to the top.  Big smiles!

 

 Croatia for Fresh Island (July)

 The winning mini golf team Junkyard golf (April)

 THE BEST COLLEAGUES EVER ^  Jade and Jake legends! (June)

 Meeting these wonderful people who stayed within the same hotel at Ios then on the boat to Paros.  They are my inspiration. Super cool! (June)

 

My 1st Birthday celebration (June) My family and Friends.

 

Not sure who this girl is on the right, but another good night out in Basildon this time! (March)

 

 

                      ***NYE 2017 ***

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