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Forgiveness in Depression.

December 7, 2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish i understood how to forgive and forget. I harbour a lot of past traumas and past conversations that i feel i cannot let go. I hope that this post can help me let go and forgive the things that i hold so dearly, before the end comes to a near.  I urge my friends that have past traumas and issues to let them go, to forgive from their souls.  Let us work together to move forward, i am equally here for you and everyone who is reading. 

I have  many friends who are suffering their own traumas, which in turn has a knock on effect in their lives. My friend was robbed and her phone was taken on the street as she waited for her bus home, and when she got home she managed to tell me, and i felt a major guilt because she had just left me. From then she has suffered tremendously, with a great level of anxiety. Today i ask her, to be thankful, and liberate herself from the very emotional attachment she's formed with anxiety.  My friend who witnessed a family member hang themselves in suicide, from then she has been on a downwards spiral in her mental state that has affected her each and every day. I have a friend who feels life's challenges are a product of her situation, one she can't foresee coming out of, which in turn makes her despondent about life, while watching everyone else enjoy theirs, while compressing her anger for her life by smoking, she is still wide awake to the fact that everyone seems to be gloating while she cant catch a break. I have a friend who gets kicked down by everyone in her life including her family, kicked down by the fathers of her children, and in turn she harbours those bruises inside quietly, she's a pressure cooker constantly but silently. I have a friend that has been told by her Dad she is ugly, and she has carried that with her forever, not beleiving she is beautiful. I have another friend who holds anger towards her mother for her failed upbringing and tries to everyday rectify her mother's wrongs in her own life, with her own children and her own relationships, but feels trapped by some of the things she's inherited. I have another friend who spent years with the father of her children to only be betrayed by him and made her children's family turn against her, now she feels alone and the burden gets to her. I have a friend who is trying to break free from what society expects her to be, just like me, but younger than me, she is easily influenced by the the opinions of her peers and family who abuse her about who she wants to be, so she chops and changes between pleasing them and who she wants to be, causing her to have regular blackouts from the world that surrounds her. Burying herself deeper in depression so that nobody surrounds her. I have a friend who has transitioned from being married to divorced because of a major betrayed of her then husband that left her hopeless, lifeless and feeling unworthy. I have a friend, who immigrated from Turkey to England as a teenager, not a word of english trying to navigate her way through alone while suffering copious amounts of physical and emotional abuse from both her parents that abandoned her, she now has the burden of parenting them.

 

I was walking home once, and 2 boys came and pushed me against the wall, slapped my face, and told me to empty my pockets, i was tearing but not crying, and of course they were laughing. They then snatched my hat off my head ( i used to wear this hat everyday) The embarassment of taking my hat off is what really struck a chord with me. I would have rathered they beat me up or robbed me, but not embarrassed me the way they did. Since then, i have kept that close to me. I previously in an old blog post spoke about an experience i had with an ex boyfriend. When i took him to my place of escape and he started dancing with another girl and looked me in the eye while doing so, not showing me an ounce of respect. It took me a long while to forgive but i think at this point i have, as we still speak and have a laugh together weekly. But i haven't forgot, and i have held onto that very feeling, that very moment when he looked into my eyes and i saw nothing. Around the time i decided it was time to forgive him, I made a conscious decision that nobody in this life will have the opportunity to embarrass me like that again. Unfortunately, i do not hold the power of controlling other people's actions

I specifically mention to myself and others i will not ever place myself in situations that cause me embarrassment. But i have no choice as again i have no control over those that choose to embarrass me. So then history decided to repeat

 

I met a guy, that i went out with in London. We were not having a relationship as such and that was clear to both of us, but somewhere along the lines were blurred lines, more so because of the distance between us. It wasn't ever really a topic of discussion but i think it was a silent mutual feeling towards one another and the situation we are in. He came over to London for a week, I have always been sceptical of people and their position or intentions with me, so this wasn't any different. I'm always cautious of males because to me its always going to be a let down in the end over something, but up untill now he hadn't given me enough to be weary of, that i wouldn't want to spend my time with him. And he brought me a particular smile which accompanied these cliché butterflys. We ended up in a really small bar with not many people in there, a group of around 6 girls. 2 guys at the bar and another 2 guys together at a table, the music in the bar was great! He sat at the bar  and was ordering a drink, i was maybe a step or two away from him but in front of him. One of the girls from the group comes over to me and asks.. ''is that your boyfriend?'' I ask her why? and she responds with ''i just want to know, because my friend is interested in him.'' By now, my blood is boiling from 0-100. What kind of disrespect is this? So i said well ''if you are over here for him, speak to him directly.'' And she did, she whispered in his ear. Are you single? he replied yes, and they spoke for a bit, she told him she had a friend interested in him, he then turned around and said to me, Im going over to their table. He was there for 2 to 3 minutes. All while i am in the bar by myself just watching them chatting away and my phone battery on 2% So i can't even lean on my phone to save me. In that moment i was consumed in embaressment. And all the dislike i felt for my ex, returned. In that moment when he came back and i looked at him, and he looked back at me. In his eyes i saw nothing. At this moment in time, I am searching for the ability to be able to forgive, as i currently dont hold any trust in anyone, also because if i continue to hold that day so dearly it will weigh me down with insecurity and not feeling worthy. I want to leave that behind me.

 

I have ruminated on these subjects and many others for a while. I control what i do next, i control my feelings, and how i grow from each situation that life presents me. I want to learn to forget, but one step at a time, forgiveness is good place to begin. My message is this, everybody has these times, moments, situations that break us, But what we dont seem to realise they are the ones that make us! We can sit and wallow in what has happened, what we cannot control.. or we can choose to be active in mending ourselves, mending our mindsets. We can forgive ourselves or someone else for past experiences, so that we dont continue to bleed on someone else, or ourself.

I believe our actions and our words are our only true belongings. With that being said, our actions or words not only affect those around us, but have a direct effect on the next course that life takes us. You have a split second, or moments in which you have to think before each and every word that comes out your mouth, or each and every action you choose to take big or small. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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