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Depressed in Friendship...

 

Moving through depression, from my late childhood to the adolescent adulthood i find myself lost in now, friends and relationships have played a pivotal role in that mental turmoil. That moment where you find yourself stuck ruminating on every struggle you've been through, and your vision does not allow you to see through to the other side. So you cling onto the sides as you navigate through where it is, you don't exactly know, And you trip over your own speed and fight with everything that surrounds you but it's just emptiness, that keeps you serried in this darkness alone. You want to call out loud, while waving your arms around to reach out to something, its those fleeting moments in your life where someone hears you, or they don't. Those that hear you in the darkness and reach out to you, are the ones you call your friends, because there is nothing they hate more than to see you lost when they are right beside you, telling you they are holding on until the end.  Often, they have to live there own life so they turn their back slightly and they loosen their grip on you, and you stumble across the temporary people you hope would be a friend, because they come bearing the look of permanent friendship, but in actual fact they are the nothingness that surrounds you, they are the nothingness that strangles you, forcing you to keep your eyes closed, but you open your eyes because you thought closing them only bares more darkness, you  then realise they are the only darkness that surrounds you.

 

Have you ever held a friendship/relationship that has been one sided, and has sucked you of your energy, but you kept it going because either you were waiting for the potential of that partnership to kick in or you where just in denial. Have you ever had that 'friend' that calls you only when they need something, or need some information on your area of work. Or just call you to vent, And they decorate their use of you with small talk, to make you feel less like you are being used, But you both know that is the case, but it doesn't seem to be change. Sometimes it isn't  bad thing, that is just their use for you. But, imagine opening up, and then bathing in regret, well... that regret fills everything that is me, and everything it doesn't, isn't me. You rewind conversations and moments in your head that meant something to you, and you try to shred of those because you know it meant nothing to them to. You recall all the lies and broken promises, and you beat yourself up with all this abuse you shout at you, for being such a stupid fool. For once again, allowing yourself to be used.

 

I don't think you can choose who warms to you. But you can choose who you have around you, you can choose who you lend your hand to. In my life, many have just seemed to warm to me, and i've opened my arms widely, sometimes too widely. Which, then i often come out losing. I lose apart of me that i should have protected, i should have kept as part of me and not as us, or we. And this is a forever never ending cycle i seem to be washed up in, although it's always exited gracefully, it continues. You hang them out to dry, but they return. I have been a friend to many, but i cannot say honestly, many have been a friend to me in return, So each and every time i lose ultimately. As i get older  though im accepting, i am collecting experiences and with that im growing, with each hurdle  that i jump, i lose a little bit more of my tolerance, my innocence, my ability to trust. 

 

I started nursery earlier than my cousins, so i was always around other children, I didn't have to make friends. I just had friends, in nursery i guess you don't have to do a lot to have somebody to play with. I had a childminder from  the age of  1. Most of my childinders had children or Grandchildren. I was never short of 'friends.' Until i moved primary school at 9 years of age, i was forced to make new friends and adjust to a new setting, and at first it proved quite hard. I remember my first day, i had a really big pencil case, it had felt tip pens, 3 pencils.. those yellow and black striped ones, colour pencils, rubber, ruler. Everything!! I opened the case, and one of the girls on my table said 'omg you stole the pencil'. I whispered ''no i didn't.'' But instead of listening to me, she went and told everyone in the class. My tears gathered, i didn't know why she chose to embarrass me on my first day. I remember laying my forehead onto the hardwood table and watched my tears cascade down my cheek and drop in front of me. I realised quickly, it wasn't going to be easy for me to make friends. Everyone thought i was a tramp and a thief. From then on, my confidence decreased dramatically. Making friends was going to basically be the death of me. My Dad told me, that being the best and having the best was going to make people jealous of me. Only now i realise how true that statement would follow me.

 

I used to walk home from school, and have my hair pulled out from the root, everyday. I used to be in secondary school and have girls write abuse all over my books, i used to get punched in the back like it was a routine. All i could do was cradle my head in my hands every time,  alone. I couldnt show weakness to those on the outside. So i dealt with it alone. But above that i have had some great experiences with some amazing friends. An elephant never forgets, in my trunk of memories lay those good times, those friends i will never forget, Those ones that have taken time to understand me fully, and not only accept me, but love me. With great love and great trust on one side of me, turns over and you see another side of me and I regret that sometimes i am cold and i relish in that part of me, i don't want to trust, i don't want to love. because i realize that some people have a use of me. So i steer very carefully around those that seem to take an interest in me, most of the time i am right, and they rear their ugly head full of deceit and lies.. their ugly heads show through their deceit and lies. Over time, those people don't last in my life.

 

These lessons have taken me a long time to learn, having toxic energy around me, and staying in situations that are not pleasing, trying to make excuses to myself and how i like a person to be around me, even when i know they were not good for me, after i come to the realization they don't need me they like the idea of me. They like that they can choose to be friends with me when they want to be. But not when i need them to be. In those negative spaces, i find myself at my darkest, at my weakest, at my most insecure. I didnt value myself, and those friendships or partnerships didn't value me. I vow to never allow myself to enter those spaces, but sometimes in life they force you in, and even though i watch over myself buried inside those waves that are trying to drown me, drown me of my positivity, and bring out the negative in me.

I know those moments will come to pass. I like to think now, i shouldn't get rid of those that use me, they might just need me, more than i thought!

 

 

Friends are the family that you choose, sometimes they are an addition to you.  They add something to you however great or however small they have a use to you, and hopefully you to them. As they are chosen, you should make sure you surround yourself with those that compliment your character. Surround yourself with positive energy, it will only breed positive outcomes.

 

''Set your life on fire, seek those who fan your flames''

Seek those that don't put your flames out, but help you grow, help your flames flourish into the wildest of fires.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

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November 2, 2018

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