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Ticks the Depression box.

The past few months i have been running,  it is now that i have landed at 28, that i realised why i was running. I was running from me, running away from the possibility of returning back here, here where my healing continued, but a constant reminder of where it all began. Running through deep waters, friction burns run through my skin, not being able to move fast enough because the waters swallow me deep within, like.. i cant swim.

I have been successful in keeping my head above the water, and not being taken by the waves that rocked me, i'm not a good swimmer and i'm scared of drowning once again, i've managed to keep my head above the water, i have been able to breathe fresh air. I have been running away from the feeling of needing to be here, needing this page to help me stay afloat, fearing that without this page there is no chance i can survive the waves of living, that seem to push me to fall underneath the grasp of life. Suffocating on all that i cant stomach all the chaos and conversations that i have swallowed.

Im still runnning this swimming race, clearly one thats inevitable that i may lose at that pace.

 

'If you fall 7 times you're going to get up 7 times. Again, the first standing up does not count because it is not a failure but the start of a journey. '

 

One of my clients asked me, ''why do you work out? what is your motivation?'' i responded ''to look good'' She returned a very confused but shocked face and responded ''your vein''

 I have come a long way from mentally and physically abusing myself after many years of constant mental abuse from others, Physical pain from others that contributed to the inevitability of hating myself. I came into 2018 with nothing but love for myself for the first time,  and i bathed in the feeling of that, and i spread that love to all my friends. They all constantly remind me of how far i've come, to loving myself. One or the other reminds me at least every month. I have come to a wonderful place in my life where i am satisfied with how i look, and with that my confidence has been major. When they say confidence is key, they were not lieing. And with that, i received much more attention in the year than i have ever in my life, which helps with the confidence i guess. It has never turned into big headedness, i am humble and know i am not the most beautiful, but no one cannot tell me i am not beautiful. Before if you told me i was ugly, i would say yes i know. And it wouldn't be just replying it, i knew it! So i responded '' you don't know how much i hated myself,  so if working out means coming to love myself for looking better, its what i have to do to survive''

 

I went to Spain on my birthday, and my friend and I where chilling with 2 guys, and one asked me. ''WHAT ARE YOU?'' and i laughed it off, he didn't mean anything bad, but he wanted to know what kind of person i am, but those kind of questions always confuse me, the only answer i have, is i am a person init. Like im normal. When i asked my friend she said well you aint. But again, i don't see myself as anything apart from normal. I have tattoos, so everyone with tattoos is not normal? I dress quirky and have a lot f trainers, is that not normal? Is it because its combined, it isn't normal. I dont class myself as a hipster, or a tomboy, or a girly girl, or road. Like there is no category, there is no box you can tick that owns me. But when faced with questions like this i feel pressure to have an answer, so i say you know Shoreditch? i fit in there. But i don't, i feel my own identity withering away just so that i can make people feel at ease. 

 

I fear that i wont be truly accepted by someone, for me, if i could ask of one thing from a potential partner. Please do not try and shred away my confidence. Not even a little bit, its so easily broken for something i have taken years to mend. I have worked so hard to build it up to what it is now, and you have the power in your words to take it down in an instant. Please let me just be me, and love me. I am like a rose, delicate and easily plucked, i need every petal on my stem, if you pick me, please dont pick at me, every petal i lose, is apart of my beauty. 

 

With that being said, I was speaking to a guy, that i found extremely attractive, and i at the time assumed he thought i was to. Well the basis of us talking in the first place was based on initial attraction i can only assume.

He made a few little comments and reactions to me that i overlooked, but slowly hacked away at my ability to still see the beauty in me. He didn't trigger an emotion in me for him as such, but triggered me to feel emotional about myself. He isn't a horrible person, but he called me judgemental, but what he failed to see was he made a huge judgment of me. He asked me in conversation ''anyone ever asked you are you lesbian'' In translation to me sounds like ''you seem lesbian'' And i wasn't caught off guard, because 1. i am here with you so it makes no sense. 2. I've heard this question many times. For me, there nothing wrong with it, but no I am not. I ask why? They reply, maybe the way you carry yourself! My question is how does a lesbian carry herself? how does a straight girl carry herself? How does a straight girl carry herself straight enough not to be called lesbian. When i travel, i dont get asked these kind of questions, only in London!  I am talented, i am clever, i am stylish, i am feisty, i am funny, i am me. But i dont fit into those categories you keep trying to place me in. If i was a white girl with long blonde hair and green eyes and a sweet voice, no one would ask me that question. If i was a clear skinned mix race girl with curly hair and big breasts, nobody would ask me that.If i was a caramel skinned girl with natural hair and great style or a dark skinned beauty with weave thats well spoken , nobody would ask me those questions. But because you cannot decide which category i fit in, you must place me somewhere? Im not conventional to you i am not conventional at all. Stop trying to strip me of my confidence because you cannot figure out who i am. I am me, and thats it. No one is perfect we come with character flaws and PHYSICAL imperfections, at times i hate those qualities within me, then i remember that is part of the beauty within me, imperfect and all.. and that moment was another hurdle i failed to jump. But once again i stand up ready to face the next one.

 

I do not fit into those boxes you are trying to place me in!..

 

 

 

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November 2, 2018

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